"Having a sister or a friend is like sitting at night in a lighted house. Those outside can watch you if they want, but you need not see them. You simply say, "Here are the perimeters of our attention. If you prowl around under the windows till the crickets go silent, we will pull the shades. If you wish us to suffer your envious curiosity, you must permit us not to notice it." Anyone with one solid human bond is that smug, and it is the smugness as much as the comfort and safety that lonely people covet and admire."
Housekeeping
Marilynne Robinson
Marilynne Robinson
I don't have any sibling and I am convinced that shuts me out of understanding a specific type of bond. but I have felt smug with a friend. And being alone is, more than anything else, embarrassing:
"I have often noticed that it is almost intolerable to be looked at, to be watched, when one is idle. When one is idle and alone, the embarrassments of loneliness are almost endlessly compounded."
"I have often noticed that it is almost intolerable to be looked at, to be watched, when one is idle. When one is idle and alone, the embarrassments of loneliness are almost endlessly compounded."
Housekeeping
Marilynne Robinson
I am used to being alone. I prefer it at times. When friends are not around, books can work quite well. The world watches you and you can feel it, but you are not idle. You are reading, or pretending to while considering their gaze and shifting your perspective so you can see how you must look to the others. I like to read, I like words, but also, I need my book to accompany me so that I am not lonely, I am not idle. I don't want to be caught on a bus twiddling my thumb. The iPod works pretty well too. but the words, the pages, they better isolate you.
I have been feeling uneasy this week and I couldn't quite identify what I was feeling. It wasn't good. It was something mixed with anxiety. Then I read Housekeeping and apparently I am lonely. Not for the lack of people. But because we are all alone in our pods, stuck in our perspectives. When I am acutely aware of my loneliness, it's hard to imagine what it's like not to feel this way:
"... once alone, it is impossible to believe that one could ever have been otherwise. Loneliness is an absolute discovery."
I am used to being alone. I prefer it at times. When friends are not around, books can work quite well. The world watches you and you can feel it, but you are not idle. You are reading, or pretending to while considering their gaze and shifting your perspective so you can see how you must look to the others. I like to read, I like words, but also, I need my book to accompany me so that I am not lonely, I am not idle. I don't want to be caught on a bus twiddling my thumb. The iPod works pretty well too. but the words, the pages, they better isolate you.
I have been feeling uneasy this week and I couldn't quite identify what I was feeling. It wasn't good. It was something mixed with anxiety. Then I read Housekeeping and apparently I am lonely. Not for the lack of people. But because we are all alone in our pods, stuck in our perspectives. When I am acutely aware of my loneliness, it's hard to imagine what it's like not to feel this way:
"... once alone, it is impossible to believe that one could ever have been otherwise. Loneliness is an absolute discovery."
Housekeeping
Marilynne Robinson
Marilynne Robinson
P.S. (4/4/09): Even holding a book in public is comforting because the book is my escape plan. The presence of words alleviates my fear of being stuck in a situation, in a world I can't escape. I guess this is simply a fear of commitment. I think my generation is deeply infected with this phobia. So we should all read and live in our heads.
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